Batman Shopping: It’s A Philosophy

The classic bat shaped batman logo in black with yellow background
Batman Logo

Hello folks, today I thought I’d share some recent thoughts I had on the subject of shopping. You know, that thing you do when the fridge is empty. Sounds riveting doesn’t it? But stick with me. If you’re anything like me you probably hate shopping with a passion. People walking into you, pushing you out of the way, having to fight over the last decent bits of fruit and veg before they’re all gone. It’s just not fun. At least not to me. I don’t understand people who want to wander around shops all day as if it’s a pass time or a sport. It’s not, it just bloody isn’t, get a proper hobby! I guess in this regard I am 100% male. Although I don’t want to draw gender boundaries too firmly because I know plenty of women with no love for shopping either. I think it’s more of a personality thing.

The only time I will concede to enjoying this activity is going to record shops or perhaps music shops. No they’re not the same thing. Record shops are where you buy records, or more likely download mp3’s these days, showing my age there. Music shops are where you go to buy a guitar or a drum kit, or maybe a kazoo, at least in my world. I can spend hours sifting though old vinyl or tinkering with guitars and keyboards quite happily, but don’t ask me to spend hours looking at bloody clothes or other such tat. If you’ve met me you probably realised pretty quickly that I don’t much care for clothes, or at least shopping for them. They are a means to an end, they keep me warm and stop me getting arrested for public nudity. We don’t want a repeat of that incident, it totally ruined my day at Chester Zoo. The penguins have never forgiven me. Anyway, I’m going way off track now, sorry hehehe πŸ™‚

So there I was the other day happily sat at home, when I realised I seriously needed to stock up the cupboards. It was Saturday afternoon and I knew the shops would be busy, the worst time to go <facepalm>. However, I have a pretty regular plan of attack when it comes to shopping and it goes a little like this:

  • Step 1: Go through all the cupboards and the fridge to see what I need.
  • Step 2: Make a comprehensive list before leaving the flat. This is essential!
  • Step 3: Identify the target, in this case the shop I’m going to. Target sounds way cooler though doesn’t it?
  • Step 4: Strike when they least expect, with speed and precision. Get the things I need into the basket and get to the till ASAP.
  • Step 5: Get the fuck out of there and shrink back into the night!

Bosh! Job done. Now the other thing you may or may not know about me is that I’m a total comic book geek. I love Batman and it occurred to me that this is how Batman would do his shopping. Ok, so he probably gets Alfred to go but shhh now, humour me.

Batman on his motorbike smashing through a window, movie from the Dark Knight
Batman heading for the 9 items or less checkout

You see, Batman is the guy who’s thought of everything. Planned for every eventuality, down to the last detail. He’s not gonna fall for any bogus 2 for 1 offers. In any given situation he knows all the possible outcomes and how to deal with them. This is the essence of the character. If you don’t know The Dark Knight Returns (the book, not the films) do yourselves a favour and read some Frank Miller. Anyway, I’m getting sidetracked again. The upshot of all this meditation on shopping and particularly my approach to the beast, is that from now on intend to call it “Batman shopping” or perhaps “bat shopping” because, come on, who doesn’t want to be Batman? As one of my favourite podcasters Kevin Smith says “always be yourself…. unless you get the chance to be Batman, then be Batman… otherwise, be yourself”. Wise words.

So there you have it, the end of a whimsical little rant off the top of my head. Shop like Batman and you can’t go wrong. Within limits of course. Batman would probably set off a smoke bomb and drop through the ceiling before hitting the frozen food section. I’m not advocating you go that far, but give it some thought. At least look at a schematic of the shop layout before you go in, that’s just basic research.

In the end I didn’t get the shopping I deserved, but I did get the shopping I needed πŸ˜›

So what’s your approach? Do you even have one? Do you care? Maybe you love spending hours mooching around shops, you freak. Drop me a comment if you like.

Take care out there,



  1. Online shopping exists for people like you. πŸ™‚

    • @tonywhitmore – Hah, an interesting point. I hadn’t considered that. But the problem is I lead a strange life and never know when I’ll be home or not. Also getting deliveries at my estate is difficult. Unless they will just bring shit right away when you order it, I prefer to take the Batmobile πŸ˜€

  2. That’s exactly what I do. It saves money as well as is efficient!

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